Peace in my heart

This post is about opening my life a little bit more to those who read this blog.  I'm at a point where I can be more transparent about the past year and I'll link different parts with past posts that will show more in depth where I was at different points. 

When Steven was born life was supposed to be a certain way, however it didn't work out that way. Suprise, suprise! When does it ever work out as we see it?!  For the first year my work situation was not ideal to what we thought it would be.  However in April just after he turned one, we decided that things needed to change and a few things helped me see that.  The first was the children's minister at our church resigned.  I told Chad and he immediately said, are you going to apply?  Then one of my sister's asked me if I was going to.  I said absolutely not to both of them, but then I felt God tuggin' on "my heart."  I had never thought I would ever leave my current job, but then my schedule wasn't what I had thought it would be after Steven was born.  I wrestled quite a bit with this...was God actually wanting me to have this job or was he just wanting me to show I trusted him by applying.  I fought it for a few days, maybe a week.  Through talking with a few people and praying, I starting have more clarity. We went away on vacation and at the end I felt like at minimum God was wanting me to apply to think outside the box and be open for change.  I blogged here about the first response, going part time at work. I went part time because there were ideas of maybe there being a full time and part time children's minister and then I could work part time at the office and part time at the church.  I felt peace for the first time in a while...God was changing my heart and mind of what I had thought I should/would be doing.

By the time I interviewed, I was convinced that I needed to work fulltime in ministry and that being the new children's minister was what God wanted.  Then, I found out I didn't get the job.  I was devastated.  At some point during my almost sleepless night, I felt as though God spoke "intern" in my head.  I could work at the church as an intern when the current intern was finished and still be involved in a ministry I felt called to.  Peace came at that point.

Now I didn't feel at peace completely during the next several months.  It was a roller coaster of emotions.  At times I couldn't see why I went through the process feeling as though I was following God's leading, but then the door was shut.  The benefits though of being at home more with Steven, being able to think and breathe was wonderful and focusing on our family when the world is against family was worth it....so at times I had peace, but at times I was still sad with the way things were. 

Through this time the new children's minister had started and I liked her.  At one point I spoke with her about the possibility of interning and she was all for it.  When I was in a good place in my head I was content that I was in a place I could follow my calling even if I wasn't being paid for it. There were still times when I just felt and still feel pulled in many directions.  I remember my therapist telling me to just allow myself to be where I was and it would get better.  I tried to and trusted God throughout this time even when I wasn't always happy about it.  The fact that I liked the new children's minister was also hard and wonderful at times.  I sort of wanted to not like her so that I could be mad about not getting the job.  Then in September I started working as her intern...what a dynamic I was working for the person who got the job that I wanted and we have become friends.  Bottom line I was trying to do the best thing, follow where my calling was.

Throughout the fall and new year, peace has overcome me about direction.  I know a lot of times we don't see God's purpose in directing us in different situations.  But I do feel as though I see part of God's purpose.  By me not working a full work week, I feel as though I'm able to manage life a little bit better as well as serving in a greater ministry than just to my family.

I don't know where this is all leading, but I do know that I'm enjoying the journey and am looking forward to seeing where this journey takes me.  Trusting God through this has been fruitful for me and our family. And I have peace in my heart that God's plan is a great one for me and my family; he knows what's in store is greater than I could ever imagine and we're trying to follow him day be day.