Control Freak

So I may not be a full blown control freak, but I plan and attempt to control a lot.  Mostly by planning things out.  Tonight I was talking with a friend about what they did in planning or not planning for having children.  She said they didn't really plan or not plan just allowed things to happen.  I'm envious of that ability for lack of control; even if it does have it's downside.  I try to follow God's leading, but know that I'm a Type A personality and just tend to step in and do whenever/wherever I see a need.  This all has started with the obvious contemplation of when we'll have another child.  I say I try follow God's leading, but I tend to over think things.  I've heard of people planning to the point of being off for certain times at work they'd never get otherwise, when's the most convenient or workable time for their family and I've considered these types of things.(you can even start to hear me become a little frantic in my thinking at this point) I even thought that maybe a certain time would be the greatest for us, but then I think would I be disappointed if it didn't work out in the exact timing I had planned or maybe it would be more difficult getting pregnant than anticipated and would that really mess up my schedule. And in all the planning and thinking I STOP and realize I'm thinking/planning a whole lot of me, mine, I  and forgetting that I'm supposed to be following God's lead. 

And this is just me planning our next child. Can you imagine what everyday life is like?  I'm kinda tired of it. There is a part of my life that I'm free.  I try to be flexible and fun in parenting Steven. I think it would help to be more free spirited in our marriage.  We plan so much that sometimes we forget to live.  We're working on doing more fun things as a family. 

I just can't seem to get over the need to control and think I'm doing well and maybe that's when I start taking things into my own hands again.  I do think that a lot of times it's not a matter of not trusting God, because I know that he will work things out in his timing in his way. But I do think that we're entrusted with a life that we should life for Christ and maybe that's why controlling to make sure we live it in the way that is pleasing to him.  But at what point do we rest in knowing that we're doing what is pleasing to God and stop over thinking every step of life. 

Truth, Perspectives and Peace

I get a lot of my inspiration for posts from sermons at church.  We have two great preachers who I feel are open to God's leading and even if it isn't apparent or relevant to their topic, something they say usually spurs a blogpost.  So if you're ever interested in listening to some great ones, you can listen here.

There is truth in matters and then there are perspectives.  The truth is the 9/11 wasn't a government conspiracy, the holocaust did happen, and men have walked on the moon.  The truth is the Jesus did die on the cross for us and rise again.

Last summer I had a conflict with someone I worked with.  We were both transitioning...she into a job at our office and I to part time.  We both had a way we saw this would happen, but it wasn't necessarily how the other saw it as happening.  I had created most of the processes for doing everything on the business side of things and I felt a lot of ownership over the business.  To say it was a difficult transition for me to let go of some things is putting it mild.  And with me not being in the office, things just had to be done whether they were the right way or not.  Now I know I sound really controlling and I am in some aspects, but some crucial mistakes were made because of this.  We deal with very sensitive information and fragile people.  Now this is my perspective, her's maybe different. Well, we both thought the other was being ridiculous for being upset. However we both needed each other to be there in the capacity that we were for different reasons.  It took a little while to feel good and at peace with the other person, but we were both determined to make peace because working in an office together as we do mandates it. 

Chad and I in our marriage are the same way in that we feel it is essential to make peace even when we disagree.  Making peace may not happen as quickly as we would like, but most of the time it means having hard discussions and working through things together whether we are actually feeling it or not.  Sometimes it's acting like it's peaceful even when we don't feel it and the feelings catch up.

In John 9 there is a story of a man who was blind from birth and Jesus healed.  The Pharisees were in such disbelief they accused the man of faking his entire life for not being the same person who was blind. They even questioned the man's parents.  I wonder how blinded I may be at times.  I often thought that if Jesus came today I would be a Pharisee and not see Jesus for who he is.  I hope not, especially with the miracles so apparent that he performed. 

At what cost do we make peace with people?  Is our perspective worth being crucified over?  Jesus was crucified for us and I don't think that anything that I encounter would come close to being crucified over. I think it would be the same for most Christians in the USA, but I think sometimes we choose our will over peace because we lose sight that it is our perspective we see and not necessarily the truth. 

So on this Good Friday, I'm going to make a resolution to appreciate the cross more and work to achieve peace at almost any cost.  Conflict, drama, etc is just not worth it.

Ever changing...

As much as I hate change, I hope that I never stop changing ever more.  I feel if I'm not changing in actions, then it proves inwardly I'm not changing and thus not being open to God's voice in my life.  I think at times its cliche to say oh that's God's voice, but I do believe that you can hear God's direction for your life and follow it.  I just know that although I never seem to anticipate what God's going to be doing prior to, its always nice to see the outcome of what he's done.

It was around this time last year that I took a step back at work, pursued some other things, but after this year it is time for me to take a step forward at work and while I'll still be part time it will be halfway between where I am now and full time.  With Steven being older we think it is a good move because of how social he is and loves to be with others.  I've found a renewed sense of satisfaction in my work and have worked through difficult situations which have made me stronger.  I'm excited for the change even if it means other harder decisions have had to be made.  I don't like the change, but I do like what the other side of change looks like on me. 

Caterpillar hunting

Steven went caterpillar hunting this afternoon.  We found an area with more than 15 caterpillars and he had a ball.....

Ms. Suzie Homemaker

I used to imagine my life as an adult being a stay at home wife and mother, which would entail sewing, baking homemade bread, crafting, etc, etc.  My life looks quite different these days, but this weekend I managed to get a batch of bread done.  I was telling a friend and she stared in disbelief.....

I actually milled the wheat? Yep, that's me!

But I don't break a sweat doing it :)

The recipe is quite well-worn

I have this great mixer that makes it SO easy!

Steven got into the action and took time for a quick cheesy smile

Instead of large loaves, I tried a smaller sandwhich type roll, which didn't come out exactly the shape I wanted, but oh so good!

There is no condemnation.....

Recently I heard a sermon on Romans 8, therefore there is no condemnation ......I think I fall short many times not really living out sharing the no condemnation.  I don't like to think that someone, for the most part, would be condemned, but I'm not sure that I live my life thinking that if I don't share Jesus that person may be condemned. 

On this particular Sunday, I was coming into the service late having led worship for the preschoolers. In the hallway I spoke with two individuals who were talking about a young boy who had "caused a stir" in the service.  He was walking around the sanctuary during worship and finally someone took him to talk with him.  He had said it was his birthday and his friend at church told him he would give him $5.  I knew exactly who the kid was.  It was Shemar.  Shemar has shown up at church a few times the first being Christmas Eve.  I've seen him on a couple of occasions.  He walks from his apartment a few miles away.  He's in his early teens, not well dressed and I think would be classified as "special education."  When he came back in he sat up front with a direct view of the minister.  The sermon was Romans 8....don't wait to show no condemnation to others.  After the service as I was getting into my car here comes the minister with his two daughters and Shemar.  He was giving Shemar a ride home.  And I think in that moment Shemar was shown what not being condemned would maybe feel like.  Now I may be romanticising this a bit, but I hope and pray that he at least feels that our church is a place where he can experience Jesus' love. 

I keep thinking what's a way I can show no condemnation to someone who crosses my path.  I'm not sure what the answer is and then I get really busy with life and forget to even think about it.  I think the business is the problem for me.  Why do I not stop to actually think through the eternal matters? Why do I get more caught up with getting through the day to day? Where we're going to move? What and if a children's ministry job will come my way? And I think that's the problem. I get too focused on the earthly things and anything can no matter how Christian it may be.  However I hope that nothing eternal will become earthly. I hope that the bigger kingdom perspective will matter.  Sometimes I'm not too sure how that will look, but I'm hoping I can figure it out a little bit.