Not so connected

I’m not sure what it is about me; maybe I sabotage myself in the arena of feeling connected, but I definitely have a chronic feeling of not feeling connected.  It’s one reason I sit on Facebook so much but then hate that because I feel it is a false sense of connectedness.  I can know about people, they can know about me, but have absolutely no idea who I really am or what is really going on in life.  On Facebook you can choose what you reveal and not reveal about yourself.  The other thing about Facebook I don’t like and almost detest is seeing how others seem more connected with each other than I feel with those same people almost to the point of feeling rejected by them.  In moments of weakness I’ve almost deleted people just because of this apparent feeling.   
I think this feeling is exacerbated in life because we live away from the friends that we’d like to be closer to. But I’m all about not waiting for the perfect opportunity to make it work, because situations in life are not the solutions; it’s what you make of your life. 

I also don’t necessarily always feel as connected to my husband as in the past.  Our marriage is good, it’s just not as easy to be focused on one another as it was before Steven was here. Surprise, surprise!! I’ve heard so many great things about John Rosemond from a variety of people, so we started reading a couple of his books.  It’s totally changed my life.  Maybe I was just looking for the opportunity to give me a bit more freedom, but I read in his book what is giving me freedom and I see a change in Steven that is wonderful.  He’s been a wonderful son, almost perfect.  A few months ago his thumb sucking started including a finger up his nose and whenever I’d try to get him to stop and he’d take a finger from both hands and stick them up each nostril.  I figured I’d just let it go, but occasionally would try to get him to stop.  Well, I’m not sure what and I’m not giving John Rosemond’s teachings full credit but it all happened at the right time and now when I ask him to take his finger out of his nose he does!  Small, I know, but it’s an example of how his obstinance is diminishing.  One of the core of his teachings is to bring the marriage into the center of the familial relationship. I’ve been feeling bad for taking time to myself and this was exactly what I needed to hear. I’m not waiting until Steven goes to bed to get things done.  I’m trying to make sure he gets adequate time, but not too much time or demanding to much attention.  It’s also giving me the freedom to do some stuff for myself and then when Chad is home to be more focused on us.  I’m really happy with this change. 

I’ve also been thinking that is it really important to be connected to lots of people while raising a family.  I do think friendships are vital, but while working, raising a family, and trying to maintain marriage as a priority it seems to be the quantity of relationships outside family needs to be put on a back burner.  Your priorities definitely shift once you have kids and I fought some of the shifts, but I’m at the point where maybe it will be the best thing to embrace them. However I’m not really feeling that my life is what all I want it to be.  I know life is what you make of it, but something is missing and I’m not really sure what it is.  I think this is where the disconnected feeling comes from because I’m searching so much for something. I’m just not really certain what it is.  I’m wanting to feel connected, but not sure what it will be to.