I’m not sure what it is about me; maybe I sabotage myself in the arena of feeling connected, but I definitely have a chronic feeling of not feeling connected. It’s one reason I sit on Facebook so much but then hate that because I feel it is a false sense of connectedness. I can know about people, they can know about me, but have absolutely no idea who I really am or what is really going on in life. On Facebook you can choose what you reveal and not reveal about yourself. The other thing about Facebook I don’t like and almost detest is seeing how others seem more connected with each other than I feel with those same people almost to the point of feeling rejected by them. In moments of weakness I’ve almost deleted people just because of this apparent feeling.
I think this feeling is exacerbated in life because we live away from the friends that we’d like to be closer to. But I’m all about not waiting for the perfect opportunity to make it work, because situations in life are not the solutions; it’s what you make of your life.
I also don’t necessarily always feel as connected to my husband as in the past. Our marriage is good, it’s just not as easy to be focused on one another as it was before Steven was here. Surprise, surprise!! I’ve heard so many great things about John Rosemond from a variety of people, so we started reading a couple of his books. It’s totally changed my life. Maybe I was just looking for the opportunity to give me a bit more freedom, but I read in his book what is giving me freedom and I see a change in Steven that is wonderful. He’s been a wonderful son, almost perfect. A few months ago his thumb sucking started including a finger up his nose and whenever I’d try to get him to stop and he’d take a finger from both hands and stick them up each nostril. I figured I’d just let it go, but occasionally would try to get him to stop. Well, I’m not sure what and I’m not giving John Rosemond’s teachings full credit but it all happened at the right time and now when I ask him to take his finger out of his nose he does! Small, I know, but it’s an example of how his obstinance is diminishing. One of the core of his teachings is to bring the marriage into the center of the familial relationship. I’ve been feeling bad for taking time to myself and this was exactly what I needed to hear. I’m not waiting until Steven goes to bed to get things done. I’m trying to make sure he gets adequate time, but not too much time or demanding to much attention. It’s also giving me the freedom to do some stuff for myself and then when Chad is home to be more focused on us. I’m really happy with this change.
I’ve also been thinking that is it really important to be connected to lots of people while raising a family. I do think friendships are vital, but while working, raising a family, and trying to maintain marriage as a priority it seems to be the quantity of relationships outside family needs to be put on a back burner. Your priorities definitely shift once you have kids and I fought some of the shifts, but I’m at the point where maybe it will be the best thing to embrace them. However I’m not really feeling that my life is what all I want it to be. I know life is what you make of it, but something is missing and I’m not really sure what it is. I think this is where the disconnected feeling comes from because I’m searching so much for something. I’m just not really certain what it is. I’m wanting to feel connected, but not sure what it will be to.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
The extension of God's grace
I really don't like to talk politics publicly. I have weird viewpoints that don't always mesh together. You know, being married to a law enforcement officer it sometimes skews your perspective on things. But I thought I'd share these thoughts and hope that I don't offend anyone in the process. I really like listening to Neal Boortz. Not necessarily because I agree with everything he says, but rather I recognize he talks in the extremes and it challenges my thinking, so maybe if you don't agree with my thoughts you'll at least think.
Sunday night at first I was annoyed when I saw the interruption of regular programming for a special announcement. I figured it was something about a birth certificate or certificate of live birth or whatever that whole squabble is about. :) When I heard the announcement a huge sense of relief and peace came over me. Now I don't glory in death, but I found a sense of satisfaction that this happened. I believe that he caused so many deaths in his life that for him to die was justice. He also "resisted" and this would warrant the same outcome had it been with local law enforcement in the US even if it was in response to a lesser crime.
I've seen that some Christians are having e a hard time with the rejoicing over a killing. I'm not sure that I feel rejoicing is in order, but I wasn't directly affected by any of his crimes either. Him being killed in this manner rather than going through a trial and capital punishment only lessened the potential risk on the rest of the world during what would have been his trial. Would he have had the chance to repentant and follow Christ during that process? I don't know. I've pondered before the idea that God could extend his grace to anyone and everyone he chooses. Now I'm not coming from a pluralistic standpoint, but I wonder at times if the isolated woman who was devout to what she knows, has only known and only belief that she has been given the opportunity to know would end up in heaven. My mind can't wrap around the thought that God could not extend his Grace to those people. I don't really like speculating about it much but he is a powerful God and can do whatever. So through this line of thinking he could choose to save Osama Bin Laden if he so chooses. In some ways I don't like that thought, but he is one of God's creations, right? That's such a peculiar thought. It doesn't change that I'm glad he's gone. I think he didn't think of others. I heard a police officer who was involved in rescues on 9/11 speaking of how arrogant Bin Laden was and only thought of himself, so I'm not sure any amount of time would have him humbled enough to bring him to a relationship with Christ, but again God is all powerful and can do whatever he chooses. But then I thought of the fact that some people that he killed were sent to hell that day on 9/11. Could/would/should/did God extend his grace to those victims? Or what about those killed in the recent tsunami's, tornados, casualties of crime? There's so much pain in this world but it pains me more to see that some people experience even more pain when they leave this world.
I'm not celebrating he's gone, but I sure am glad he is.
Sunday night at first I was annoyed when I saw the interruption of regular programming for a special announcement. I figured it was something about a birth certificate or certificate of live birth or whatever that whole squabble is about. :) When I heard the announcement a huge sense of relief and peace came over me. Now I don't glory in death, but I found a sense of satisfaction that this happened. I believe that he caused so many deaths in his life that for him to die was justice. He also "resisted" and this would warrant the same outcome had it been with local law enforcement in the US even if it was in response to a lesser crime.
I've seen that some Christians are having e a hard time with the rejoicing over a killing. I'm not sure that I feel rejoicing is in order, but I wasn't directly affected by any of his crimes either. Him being killed in this manner rather than going through a trial and capital punishment only lessened the potential risk on the rest of the world during what would have been his trial. Would he have had the chance to repentant and follow Christ during that process? I don't know. I've pondered before the idea that God could extend his grace to anyone and everyone he chooses. Now I'm not coming from a pluralistic standpoint, but I wonder at times if the isolated woman who was devout to what she knows, has only known and only belief that she has been given the opportunity to know would end up in heaven. My mind can't wrap around the thought that God could not extend his Grace to those people. I don't really like speculating about it much but he is a powerful God and can do whatever. So through this line of thinking he could choose to save Osama Bin Laden if he so chooses. In some ways I don't like that thought, but he is one of God's creations, right? That's such a peculiar thought. It doesn't change that I'm glad he's gone. I think he didn't think of others. I heard a police officer who was involved in rescues on 9/11 speaking of how arrogant Bin Laden was and only thought of himself, so I'm not sure any amount of time would have him humbled enough to bring him to a relationship with Christ, but again God is all powerful and can do whatever he chooses. But then I thought of the fact that some people that he killed were sent to hell that day on 9/11. Could/would/should/did God extend his grace to those victims? Or what about those killed in the recent tsunami's, tornados, casualties of crime? There's so much pain in this world but it pains me more to see that some people experience even more pain when they leave this world.
I'm not celebrating he's gone, but I sure am glad he is.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
The new dog
I've struggled and still feel the loss of our Stout. The feeling of guilt has been perpetuated because I had already been thinking of getting another dog for Steven's birthday, but didn't want to have three dogs. Well, the feeling has been intensified because we did get another dog just a week after we lost Stout. We feel like he kinda crashed in.
On March 18, Chad received a call to a scene where a car had crashed into a fence. That afternoon he had to go back to the fence owner's residence so that he could talk about the damaged fence. While there he saw several dogs and one looked exactly like Stout. Somehow the conversation then led to Stout. The man then said that one of the dogs was a foster dog for the humane society. So then I got a call from Chad about the dog....well, I just couldn't say no.
He's a black lab, possibly mixed with something but we're not sure what. We name the new dog, Crash and he has quickly become part of the family. These days if you ask Steven about Stout, or if you're me and say Stout instead of one of the other dog's name, he quickly will tell you Stout's at Jesus. I kind of like that he say sat instead of with because I do hope that when we go to heaven we are at Jesus' feet basking in his glory.
On March 18, Chad received a call to a scene where a car had crashed into a fence. That afternoon he had to go back to the fence owner's residence so that he could talk about the damaged fence. While there he saw several dogs and one looked exactly like Stout. Somehow the conversation then led to Stout. The man then said that one of the dogs was a foster dog for the humane society. So then I got a call from Chad about the dog....well, I just couldn't say no.
We "tried" him out for the weekend and were set.
Gustav, who had not been eating well, quickly perked up and the first night the new dog was home we didn't even really get a chance to play with him for Gustav playing so hard with him.
He's a black lab, possibly mixed with something but we're not sure what. We name the new dog, Crash and he has quickly become part of the family. These days if you ask Steven about Stout, or if you're me and say Stout instead of one of the other dog's name, he quickly will tell you Stout's at Jesus. I kind of like that he say sat instead of with because I do hope that when we go to heaven we are at Jesus' feet basking in his glory.
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