I've been contemplating recently on why do we have babies. I know for procreation, an act of love, etc, etc. I'm surrounded by people who have "lots", "little" or none and I think all for different reasons, but not necessarily for what is stated. One family at church has had seven in eight years! There were seven of us, but spread over 15 years, so COMPLETELY different. Then there's two couples I know who aren't going to have children, at least at this point for one. One couple can't, which is a whole other unfathomable thing. The other chooses not to, which is also unfathomable to me, but in a different way. Sometimes I'm mad at God or at least frustrated when I see people who wouldn't want a child or at least not at this time get pregnant so easily, but then there's those that desire a child SOO bad and can't. These two polar spectrums baffle me to no end.
Recently I heard of a man saying that he "gave his wife a child to make her happy." Like a bouquet of flowers or box of chocolates?
Someone once told me that some women have children because it's about them and not the children. At first glance I think that is selfish, but why did Chad and I choose to have a child when we did...why did we choose to have a child at all? Because we did choose, right? We did feel as though it was "the time", but we also felt that it was God's leading for now, but why? I have no answer. We just did.
Then I think of people who have children close together...not just seven in eight years, but even two in two to three years. That idea blows me away. But then is it a lifestyle that we are desiring that gages when we will have children when we are the ones "deciding" when it's going to happen? I am so happy that Steven came when he did even down to the day, but I don't think that I could handle having another right now. People keep asking so isn't it about time? No! But why? I'm so adamantly against it at this point and I feel as though I may be jinxing myself by even typing this. Would it be jinxing?!?! Several months ago we had a "pregnancy scare." Something just felt very off and then I thought I was "late" but couldn't remember exactly, etc, etc... Well, to say the least by the time I took the test and found out I wasn't, I was disappointed! But the idea at this point still frightens me to death. I feel at times as though I barely am able to devote enough time to Steven to nurture him, mold him, and these days that's including starting to really have to discipline. By that I mean have to work on guiding him, saying no more than I'd like to, and teaching him right and wrong as much as his little body can handle. The idea of another child is daunting...to daunting at this point. I think part of it is that the first year Steven was here was so difficult with working and learning to manage that the idea of changing it again is just too much.
Then there's the question in my mind: "Will there be another?" "Why wouldn't there be another?" "But why another?" "How can I unselfishly have another?" By this latter question I mean that almost every reason I can think of having another baby is a selfish one. The biggest reason I hear is that they bring so much joy but to who? ME! Is that not selfish? But then I look at Steven and I think he brings joy to so many other people as well. He also has made me become unselfish in so many ways because life is no longer about what I want. Or is that becoming more others centered? Do I want to become even more others centered by having another child? Is that not what Christ wants us to do?
But still why? Why have another? Some people may say "Why not?" But is life about "why nots" or "why do"? I have no idea. I think well maybe I should figure this all out before I have another, but I think that's a hopeless situation to try and answer and I'd be 90 before I was ready!
So I really don't know why I had a baby! But I still wonder, why do other people have babies?
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