Undone

This week I was faced with something that I hadn't even thought about for quite some time. I attended a banquet and the person I reference below as "my enemy" was there.  He did not approach me, but he did acknolwedge me in such a way that made me think he has not changed at all. He's still the poor pitiful person he was "back then."  I truly feel sorry for him and those around him.  Seeing him did rattle me a little, but I was reminde of what I read below and know really good things came out of a horrible situation.  I thought I would include what I had written below.  This was the culmination of one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through and hope to never go through anything as saddening again.

Undone
The past 2 ½ years have been a time where I have grown so much as a person in so many ways. The purpose of writing this is not to speak of what was done to me, but what has come out of what was done. As I was trying to survive emotionally, I was forced to face so many beliefs I had about myself and God and how life worked. Because of how this has so changed my life, I felt compelled to share with those who stood with me and were such a blessing to me during this time.




I was very confused in those first few months. I did not understand why I felt the way that I did, but even more important, I didn’t feel like I was worth enough to stand up for what was right. I began the process of beginning to understand who I was in Christ and thus understanding that I was worth standing up for. One of the most thought provoking changes that I experienced was listening to the audiotape “Emotions” by Jeff Van Vonderan. I began understanding that emotions had no moral value to them; they are what they are. Acknowledge your feeling and then do what you need to deal with it. For me, I needed to understand why I felt worthless, dirty, that my sanity/peace of mind was not worth “stirring up the pot” for. I kept saying, you don’t want to mess up their lives, just to bring it out into the light. I needed to know I was okay no matter what was going on. I read, searched, and learned so much throughout this process. Now looking back I feel that it was a different person begging Chad not to rock the boat and cause havoc in everyone’s life. If only I had been the person I am now back then, I believe the pain would have been shorter and less. However, I was not the person I am now because I hadn’t gone through what I have now gone through. Slowly I felt strengthened enough and that I was worth fighting back for; finally I felt I could no longer placate the situation. I had to speak out. Now I did spiral downhill even to the point of not feeling like life was worth going on, it would have been better to die than to carry on. I believe if I hadn’t been so mad at the time, I would not have left the situation, but thank God that I finally did. My depression continued, however, throughout that summer. I didn’t understand why everything didn’t just go away once I was out of the situation. I had thought everything would be great. However it would be a year later, before I really felt “okay.”



Nightmares started and I finally felt that I had to fight back more strongly than before, thus the legal action taken. It was such a hard decision to stand up and fight back, but I knew then that there was no other way to know I had done all that I could do. Even then I still didn’t realize how much strength I would need to get through; I didn’t realize things might feel worse before they got better. It was also during this time that I began to work for the psychologist I now work for. His respect for my personal boundaries was a place where I finally felt that I could relax and begin to heal. In so many ways I needed the safe haven to begin to relax to begin that road of healing. It was also then that I realized I was allowing what had happened to consume me. I began to use a very practical advice that was given to clients in the office. Although not strictly a “Biblical principle” it was self-control of thoughts at its finest. I began to stop myself from allowing myself to go down the “thought process road of destruction” and only could think about it for 15 minutes a day. Now it didn’t just change everything over night and it did take me a while to start achieving the only 15 minutes a day criteria, but once I started trying to implement it into my life, that is when I began realizing how much I was allowing the sin of another person to consume my life, how was I going to get over it if it was literally consuming my thought life when there was no need for that.



After this, I began to have consecutive good days, I began feeling and experiencing joy again. However this was not the end. In March of 2006 I had to go through a court proceeding. The week leading up to it, I had to type a psychological report for work of a woman who had gone through a situation of the same sort as mine, but much, much worse. I began losing control. The day of the preceding was horrible, I found out that people I had trusted and cared for had really betrayed me and Chad. I began to totally spiral completely out of emotional control. The following week, I began to really feel that it would be better to not wake up. Now there was no plan or intent to harm myself, but I did truly believe that life would never get better and I would never be able to live a happy, content, joyful life again. That next Sunday morning, I did not feel like going to church, but something told me I NEEDED to go. That Sunday Donovan was preaching on the Beatitudes and was on Matthew 5:33-37. I know that it is on maintaining an oath, but as he was speaking I heard you should just speak the truth for the sake of speaking the truth, which was exactly what I needed to hear. I needed to know that even though everyone around me seemed to be turning against me, I WAS still speaking the truth and even though it was hard, I was doing the right thing. It seems like this was a turning point in my life. Things seemed to be up from there. I started feeling better, but it was not completely over.



Two weeks later Donovan preached a sermon on loving your enemies. I felt for the first time I really did have an enemy. I needed to love him? But how could I not, because even though he had hurt me beyond what I could have imagined, he was still a brother in Christ. As I sat there that Sunday morning, I felt like I understood for the first time what loving your enemy, while hating what they did, having no desire to ever be in their company again, but still loving them through Christ meant. It was such a surreal moment. I believe that this was also a huge turning point in my journey down this road. Not only had I learned to speak out against someone who had harmed me because I now felt that I was worth whatever consequences were created due to that decision, but I had learned how to truly love an enemy through Christ. I felt this peace in my heart that I had not felt before. I knew that what I was doing was ultimately best for “my enemy.” He would be better off because of the decision I made; not only him, but the other “me’s” that would enter into his life in the future. Some would call it tough love, but consequences had to be had. Now I just had to get through the trial or so I thought.



It seemed that everything took so long to get things rolling. I even got to the point that I felt closure for me emotionally was only being held up by the legal process. However I still knew that no matter how long it took, I had done the right thing and had taken the higher road in doing so. Then came the word that maybe the case could be resolved in another way. I didn’t think it was true, it would have been too good to be true. But then, that is how it ended. There was relief, peace, true joy. The journey was over. Even though it had been so hard, I was so much better for it. Now I felt secure within myself. I was strong, I felt that I could do whatever I felt passionate about pursuing. There were so many things that I had learned in my spiritual journey through this truly horrible situation. I know that God made a positive thing happen out of the horrible sin of another person. In the end Chad and I both feel that things were done right and consequences were made.

No apologies for whom I meant to be the only thing that matters is I'm free. When I am overwhelmed holding pieces of my heart, when I feel my world fall apart. To the cross I run, holding high my chains undone, now I'm finally free…free to be what I've become…undone. ..

Even in defeat, the face of tragedy, still you'd have to say I've found victory. In brokenness comes beauty, Divine fragility, reminding me of nail-scarred hands reaching out for me. To the cross I run holding high my chains undone, now I'm finally free…free to be what I've become…to the cross I run, holding high my chains undone, now I'm finally free…free to be what I've become.

Hallelujah I'm undone. To the cross I run, holding high my chains undone, now I'm finally free, free to be what I've become…Undone

Mercy Me "Undone", album Undone , Integrity Music, 2004.

Steven Rockin' Waves of Mercy

Steven dancing to Waves of Mercy.....

A male presence

When Chad is working nights it gets difficult for Steven and I when Steven doesn't see his daddy very much or at all some days.  Wednesday was one of those days where he only saw him in passing as he came in, ate lunch while Chad was awake, but was still asleep when Chad left for work.
Thursday afternoon when he woke up from his nap he was cranky and he usually isn't, so I knew it was going to be quite an evening if he didn't get to spend time with Chad before Chad left for work.  Now there's been lots of studies done that prove a male is less likely to "be a delinquent" if they have a positive male role model in their life.
So I asked Chad to make sure he spent a few minutes playing with Steven before he left for work.  After Chad left Steven went from telling me to "go, go" to having some of the sweetest time we have ever had.  He cuddled in bed with me, kept asking for kisses, talked for a long time, kept asking for If you're happy and you know it, and the list could go on.  I just think it's truly amazing the difference that can be made with a little male presence.

Snow Day January 10, 2011