Undone

This week I was faced with something that I hadn't even thought about for quite some time. I attended a banquet and the person I reference below as "my enemy" was there.  He did not approach me, but he did acknolwedge me in such a way that made me think he has not changed at all. He's still the poor pitiful person he was "back then."  I truly feel sorry for him and those around him.  Seeing him did rattle me a little, but I was reminde of what I read below and know really good things came out of a horrible situation.  I thought I would include what I had written below.  This was the culmination of one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through and hope to never go through anything as saddening again.

Undone
The past 2 ½ years have been a time where I have grown so much as a person in so many ways. The purpose of writing this is not to speak of what was done to me, but what has come out of what was done. As I was trying to survive emotionally, I was forced to face so many beliefs I had about myself and God and how life worked. Because of how this has so changed my life, I felt compelled to share with those who stood with me and were such a blessing to me during this time.




I was very confused in those first few months. I did not understand why I felt the way that I did, but even more important, I didn’t feel like I was worth enough to stand up for what was right. I began the process of beginning to understand who I was in Christ and thus understanding that I was worth standing up for. One of the most thought provoking changes that I experienced was listening to the audiotape “Emotions” by Jeff Van Vonderan. I began understanding that emotions had no moral value to them; they are what they are. Acknowledge your feeling and then do what you need to deal with it. For me, I needed to understand why I felt worthless, dirty, that my sanity/peace of mind was not worth “stirring up the pot” for. I kept saying, you don’t want to mess up their lives, just to bring it out into the light. I needed to know I was okay no matter what was going on. I read, searched, and learned so much throughout this process. Now looking back I feel that it was a different person begging Chad not to rock the boat and cause havoc in everyone’s life. If only I had been the person I am now back then, I believe the pain would have been shorter and less. However, I was not the person I am now because I hadn’t gone through what I have now gone through. Slowly I felt strengthened enough and that I was worth fighting back for; finally I felt I could no longer placate the situation. I had to speak out. Now I did spiral downhill even to the point of not feeling like life was worth going on, it would have been better to die than to carry on. I believe if I hadn’t been so mad at the time, I would not have left the situation, but thank God that I finally did. My depression continued, however, throughout that summer. I didn’t understand why everything didn’t just go away once I was out of the situation. I had thought everything would be great. However it would be a year later, before I really felt “okay.”



Nightmares started and I finally felt that I had to fight back more strongly than before, thus the legal action taken. It was such a hard decision to stand up and fight back, but I knew then that there was no other way to know I had done all that I could do. Even then I still didn’t realize how much strength I would need to get through; I didn’t realize things might feel worse before they got better. It was also during this time that I began to work for the psychologist I now work for. His respect for my personal boundaries was a place where I finally felt that I could relax and begin to heal. In so many ways I needed the safe haven to begin to relax to begin that road of healing. It was also then that I realized I was allowing what had happened to consume me. I began to use a very practical advice that was given to clients in the office. Although not strictly a “Biblical principle” it was self-control of thoughts at its finest. I began to stop myself from allowing myself to go down the “thought process road of destruction” and only could think about it for 15 minutes a day. Now it didn’t just change everything over night and it did take me a while to start achieving the only 15 minutes a day criteria, but once I started trying to implement it into my life, that is when I began realizing how much I was allowing the sin of another person to consume my life, how was I going to get over it if it was literally consuming my thought life when there was no need for that.



After this, I began to have consecutive good days, I began feeling and experiencing joy again. However this was not the end. In March of 2006 I had to go through a court proceeding. The week leading up to it, I had to type a psychological report for work of a woman who had gone through a situation of the same sort as mine, but much, much worse. I began losing control. The day of the preceding was horrible, I found out that people I had trusted and cared for had really betrayed me and Chad. I began to totally spiral completely out of emotional control. The following week, I began to really feel that it would be better to not wake up. Now there was no plan or intent to harm myself, but I did truly believe that life would never get better and I would never be able to live a happy, content, joyful life again. That next Sunday morning, I did not feel like going to church, but something told me I NEEDED to go. That Sunday Donovan was preaching on the Beatitudes and was on Matthew 5:33-37. I know that it is on maintaining an oath, but as he was speaking I heard you should just speak the truth for the sake of speaking the truth, which was exactly what I needed to hear. I needed to know that even though everyone around me seemed to be turning against me, I WAS still speaking the truth and even though it was hard, I was doing the right thing. It seems like this was a turning point in my life. Things seemed to be up from there. I started feeling better, but it was not completely over.



Two weeks later Donovan preached a sermon on loving your enemies. I felt for the first time I really did have an enemy. I needed to love him? But how could I not, because even though he had hurt me beyond what I could have imagined, he was still a brother in Christ. As I sat there that Sunday morning, I felt like I understood for the first time what loving your enemy, while hating what they did, having no desire to ever be in their company again, but still loving them through Christ meant. It was such a surreal moment. I believe that this was also a huge turning point in my journey down this road. Not only had I learned to speak out against someone who had harmed me because I now felt that I was worth whatever consequences were created due to that decision, but I had learned how to truly love an enemy through Christ. I felt this peace in my heart that I had not felt before. I knew that what I was doing was ultimately best for “my enemy.” He would be better off because of the decision I made; not only him, but the other “me’s” that would enter into his life in the future. Some would call it tough love, but consequences had to be had. Now I just had to get through the trial or so I thought.



It seemed that everything took so long to get things rolling. I even got to the point that I felt closure for me emotionally was only being held up by the legal process. However I still knew that no matter how long it took, I had done the right thing and had taken the higher road in doing so. Then came the word that maybe the case could be resolved in another way. I didn’t think it was true, it would have been too good to be true. But then, that is how it ended. There was relief, peace, true joy. The journey was over. Even though it had been so hard, I was so much better for it. Now I felt secure within myself. I was strong, I felt that I could do whatever I felt passionate about pursuing. There were so many things that I had learned in my spiritual journey through this truly horrible situation. I know that God made a positive thing happen out of the horrible sin of another person. In the end Chad and I both feel that things were done right and consequences were made.

No apologies for whom I meant to be the only thing that matters is I'm free. When I am overwhelmed holding pieces of my heart, when I feel my world fall apart. To the cross I run, holding high my chains undone, now I'm finally free…free to be what I've become…undone. ..

Even in defeat, the face of tragedy, still you'd have to say I've found victory. In brokenness comes beauty, Divine fragility, reminding me of nail-scarred hands reaching out for me. To the cross I run holding high my chains undone, now I'm finally free…free to be what I've become…to the cross I run, holding high my chains undone, now I'm finally free…free to be what I've become.

Hallelujah I'm undone. To the cross I run, holding high my chains undone, now I'm finally free, free to be what I've become…Undone

Mercy Me "Undone", album Undone , Integrity Music, 2004.

Steven Rockin' Waves of Mercy

Steven dancing to Waves of Mercy.....

A male presence

When Chad is working nights it gets difficult for Steven and I when Steven doesn't see his daddy very much or at all some days.  Wednesday was one of those days where he only saw him in passing as he came in, ate lunch while Chad was awake, but was still asleep when Chad left for work.
Thursday afternoon when he woke up from his nap he was cranky and he usually isn't, so I knew it was going to be quite an evening if he didn't get to spend time with Chad before Chad left for work.  Now there's been lots of studies done that prove a male is less likely to "be a delinquent" if they have a positive male role model in their life.
So I asked Chad to make sure he spent a few minutes playing with Steven before he left for work.  After Chad left Steven went from telling me to "go, go" to having some of the sweetest time we have ever had.  He cuddled in bed with me, kept asking for kisses, talked for a long time, kept asking for If you're happy and you know it, and the list could go on.  I just think it's truly amazing the difference that can be made with a little male presence.

Snow Day January 10, 2011

When a clear conscience hurts....

Chad says I'm different from most people because I look to do what is best for the situation and not necessarily what is best for me.  I don't really think about it, but I would say that I don't think about me very much at least not time for me, things for me, etc.  But I have been thinking about how some decisions that I've made knowing that it was best for the situation have hurt. They've caused me hurt to struggle through doing what is right. I know it's all for the best, but in my conversation with Chad tonight I thought maybe I am being selfish in making decisions that hurt me.  I know that I will be better, but do I drag Steven and Chad through my hurt or through my process of healing in order to be a better person myself.  Am I selfish to put them through another thing to try and make things better for me?  I have no idea. Because I really never know how things are going to affect me, but things affect me way more than they probably should.  In making these decisions I usually focus more in my head than in my heart, but I live more from my heart. 

I tend to stuff my emotions, try to do the right thing and then lose it at the "worst" times.  I don't realize I'm doing it when I do it.  I'm working on just allowing myself to feel whatever it is I'm feeling and not change it.  The actions of doing tend to make me not have time to feel, but then I'll stop. I'll start to feel  and then I'm hurting.  It's at those times I don't feel like I'm a good mother or wife.  So in the name of having a clear conscience, I hurt those around me as well. Well, at least I feel as though I do. 

Maybe my next project of becoming a better person should be to make decisions that are really going to be good for those in my immediate family and forget the others.  That sounds so heartless. I don't think I can do it, but then again I don't think I can't.  Maybe my conscience is what needs the work....does a clear conscience actually hurt?

100 Things I'm Thankful

I'm thankful for:

1. For my wonderful husband
2. For my son; who brings more joy than ever imaginable.
3. For Jesus in my life
4. For growing up in a Christian family and having to deal with legalistic hiccups and not too many liberal ones :)
5. For Chad's family and how different they are from mine
6. For grandparents to my son who love him
7. For those grandparents loving to spend time with him
8. For lots of siblings and their spouses
9. For being an aunt
10. For job #1; even if I don't always enjoy it
11. For job #2 and wish it was more
12. For our house and the prospect of selling it
13. For decent financial decisions in our married life
14. For old friends who can show up on Thanksgiving morning and makes you late for family, but was totally worth catching up.
15. For new friends, but kinda old (at least for Chad) that you can just relax with.
16. For enjoying to cook but not always having to do it.
17. For our church.
18. For our life and how simple it can be
19. For the flexibility that is being created in my ventures
20. For learning to relax and be free
21. For our wonderful dog, Gustav
22. For our other wonderful dog, Stout
23. For feeling free to name our dog Guiness Stout because he looked like a stout beer: so dark brown that he almost looked black with a little white "foam" at the top.
24. For some lazy weekdays mornings of snuggling in bed with my husband and son
25. For having an intelligent and healthy child
26. For having a funny son.
27. For learning to be free to spend money sometimes
28. For Chad caring more about his health now than before we were married; I want him around for a while.
29. For having learned to think I'm kinda special.
30. For having learned to let some things go
31. For learning that it really wasn't about me anyways
32. For being able to be free to make traditions work with our crazy schedule
33. For being fine with just me
34. For being open to change
35. For having loved ones around that have pushed me towards being who I am
36. For having loved ones who don't care if I change or not.
37. For being okay with a not so perfect home
38. For loving to love children
39. For getting to tell children about Jesus
40. For teaching children how to worship Jesus.
41. For little rebellion in my life
42. For new opportunities on the horizon
43. For trying new things
44. For questioning what is to be just because it's always been
45. For being able to spend so much time with Steven
46. For new opportunities for spending time with Chad
47. For interruptions in life; especially when the interruption is Steven or Chad
48. For be able to laugh at absurdities.
49. For being contradictory
50. For trying to never settle
51. For a very full life
52. For being given a lot of responsibility as a child/adolescent.
53. For being able to crash friends' Family Thanksgiving
54. and for being asked to join in :)
55. For Chad and I both wanting a real Christmas Tree
56. For learning to be spontaneous
57. For learning to emotions are good...but in moderation
58. For growth
59. For health
60. For seeing the joy Steven brings everyone he meets
61. For not feeling the need to do Black Friday shopping
62. For slowing down life
63. For letting the dishes stay in the sink, sometimes
64. For a good hairdresser; even if I don't go enough
65. For being able to see the absuridty in Sister Wives
66. For being able to admire Michelle Duggar
67. For wanting to be like her, but not wanting to be like her
68. For the hope of becoming a better person each year
69. For a husband who cleans,
70. cooks,
71. does the laundry,
72. bringing my coffee to me in bed even after 7 years of marriage,
73. him being an awesome father,
74. and the anticipation of giving him the opportunity to be a father to more children in the future (just not now)
75. For beer
76. For Tupperware
77. For good role models for my son
78. For my son's teachers and never having to worry about him in their care
79. For music
80. and sharing it with children
81. For learning the office at the office
82. For learning my weaknesses
83. For splurging sometimes
84. For staying up late
85. For going to bed early
86. For crafting
87. For vacation
88. For good health
89. For good healthcare
90. For trying not to be absurd
91. For knowing that I might sometimes be
92. For being open
93. For being convicted
94. For love 
95. For being compassionate
96. For Christmas and the opportunity to celebrate Jesus' birth
97. For laughter
98. For knowing who I am; well for the most part
99. For life and striving to not live mediocre.
100. For taking this challenge and allowing it to make me more thankful 
     
     

Soul Aeration

I've been thinking of my soul as it pertains to God; not my eternal status, but right now status.  In Sunday School this past week we were talking about God's will and such and then read Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version) "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. " We were talking about how it's not necessarily talking about our physical or material wealth; someone even said how maybe he's talking about prospering our soul.  I struggle with that; especially recently.  Nothing huge is the matter, but I don't feel like my soul is being prospered or taken care of by God. Much less others who have been through or are going through such difficult things right now.  But I've been wrestling with this because they all speak of how God's done mighty things in their life through their difficult situations. 

Our lawn is in need of aeration and I'm not totally changing the subject here. I wasn't exactly sure what that means, but it is the process of poking holes into the ground, which in turn allows for your grass to grow better. I looked it up and one article says that you aerate to allow one or more of the following to happen:


•Oxygen gets to the roots and the soil allowing it to "breathe"
•Organic fertilizers and nutrients get access to the root system
•Water is able to better soak the soil and reach the root system
•Helps to break up thatch
•Tight, compacted soil is loosened up allowing the root system to grow

Could my soul need aeration? Could it be that my soul is being poke and proded to allow oxygen to get to the deeper parts of my soul? For it to be fertilized more deeply? For water to penetrate so deep that even the deepest darkest parts of my soul are prospered? Allowing me to grow deeper with God?  Is this what is happening when friends face cancer and grow closer to each other and God? When an 8 year old whose fighting cancer's parents speak of God's strength for survival?  Is He aerating our souls? Is this how he prospers us and gives us a hope for the future?