Easier to move a mountain than me?

I'm in an interesting place today. I'm waffling back and forth; not sure what is meant to be and am very introspective right now and I'm not sure how this is going to mesh.

"'our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.'" Matthew 6:9-10

I don't think I hallow Our Father in heaven enough.
Too many times I think I have an idea of what God's will is for my life and impose my agenda for his kingdom. Right now, for once, I think I'm really open to figuring out what God's will is for my life and have no clear direction for what his will is.  I think.

In John 5:1-5 Jesus was by the pool of Bethesda and spoke to the man who was paralyzed for 38 years.
Jesus didn't help him into the water but made him well. Is that what God is asking me at this time; to heal me in a different way? To call me in a different path? To change me? Do I really want to be whole?

This morning in church we were listening to this song and I thought is it harder for God to move the mountain than me? We are always saying Steven gets his hard headedness honestly, but this past week I've started realizing just how honestly.  I really don't like change, but feel that is what God is calling me to. I keep trying to figure out every possible exception to this calling, but alas I keep coming back to change occuring and I'm just going to have to wait, search, and see what this change is to be. So really, would God have less resistance to move a mountain?

Picking up my baseball glove and heading to 2nd base

There has been a yearning in my soul for something more for the past few months. I find it a very safe place to be where I am. I've never really thought about it, I really like to play it safe. In high school I was quite different. I spent 2 1/2 months in Mexico travelling all over the country as a nanny with a singing evangelistic group.  The uncertainties in the travels were exhilarating! Then my junior year of college I spent the summer in Colorado where I knew no one going in and was a finance intern for a ministry; knowing nothing about finance. I know this is not living on the edge, but I took risks and loved every minute of them. The trip to Mexico changed my life and I'm still realizing how much there was to glean from that experience.

I just read a friend's blog and while I am no where near experiencing the uncertainties they are experiencing, I feel God is trying to tell me to move to second base when I would rather just stay in left field.  I really have no idea where this second base is going to take me, but I'm trying to get the courage to get my glove and get out there.

I'm not cooking dinner

In counseling today, my therapist said I sound tired; an obvious but unacknowledged fact in my life right now. I think I'm more emotionally drained and tired than physically.  I came home at 4:30 to a quiet house and was going to make dinner; meals have been planned, grocery shopping done, but I couldn't do it.  I played on both of the pianos sitting in my living room trying to decide which one I like better, then vegged on the couch. We never get take-out, but I called Chad and asked him to pick up something on the way home; his response "are you worried about points?" No, I'm not because whatever it is I'll manage to accomodate my points. Oh yeah I never had lunch today, so I have plenty of points. I've been on Weight Watchers for 2 weeks and lost 5 1/1 pounds.  I'm finally back to my weight when I got pregnant with Steven, although certainly not even at my top weight of what I like to be; 10 more pounds to that goal and another five to ten and I'll be "smoking" as my husbad put it.  So we're having take out and it's going to be a surprise! Probably chinese, so I'm just going to continue to veg and enjoy my afternoon.....

5 years ago I never would have thought...

6 years ago I had no idea


                  I was no way near the person I am today
 
                  I would not have thought it could happen to me
             
5 years ago I never would have thought I would be where I am


                   I never would have thought I could be at peace


                   I never thought I would experience joy again on a consistent basis


                   I just never would have known


5 years ago I walked away.......


Today I am a different person; stronger, happier, healthier


Today I am still me, but a different me


Today I can say although what has happened to spur on the change was bad, the change has been the greatest and I would not have the quality of life, quality of marriage, quality of relationships and would not be the mother I am today, if it had not happened.


Today I am at peace.

One Sunday Afternoon....

                                                   I think I've got this.                                     

I can do it all by myself                 

Woah, didn't know it would be like this

Seeing Daddy at the bottom of the tunnel slide

He's the cutest thing

Such a cutie

and then there's this man; who equally has my heart

My "Meet the Fockers" Movie Moment

I love Ben Stiller and enjoy his Meet the Parents and sequel Meet the Fockers .  A little absurd with how everything goes wrong.  One of my favorite characters in Meet the Fockers is little Jack, Jack; especially since Steven has been around. It reminds me of how it can be tempting to get a little over kill with our ideas. 

My background: One of my extreme things is with breastfeeding. I should explain, because I'm not talking about wanting to forever and a day. When I was little I had a friend who breastfed until she was about five years old. She lived next door and I remember running home crying because she didn't want to play with me any more; she wanted "num, num."  Steven's almost 13 months and I'm down to feeding him once a day, first thing in the morning. It's been our precious time and I have been almost ashamed that I'm still breastfeeding. It's been a great time of just cuddling and in a selfish way getting a few more moments of rest.

The movie background: Jack has a sign for breastfeeding that is he holds both hands out and squeezes them like he's milking a cow. There's one scene where Ben Stiller's housekeeper from when he was a little boy who is "well endowed' and showing it off. Jack looks at her and starts the milking a cow thing. 

The Moment: Saturday we were doing pictures at the Hills and Dales and my family was there.  Steven was getting hungry, put both hands down my shirt and started saying "good! good!" (which is what he says when he sees food he wants). It totally cracked me, my sister Brei and mom up.  He's so funny these days, but I think this is the funniest thing he could ever do. Although I'm sure there will be more.

The conclusion: We're done with the breastfeeding.  It was at that moment that I lost all desire to continue breastfeeding. It's beenn two days and Steven hasn't cared one bit. 

He's the greatest thing, we love him and he loves us all.

My Horrible Day!!!

On Monday afternoon this past week I realized that it was spring break and I needed to find somewhere for Steven on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon since MMO would be closed. My friend Lisa said that she would keep Steven on Tuesday morning and took him to the park.

He had his first playground experience and First Kid's Meal (at Chik-Fil-A). He thoroughly enjoyed himself and was quite wore out when he got home.

So, I called my mom and she could keep Steven Thursday. We decided that on Wednesday I would work from 8-4, then go to West Point, see my brother play soccer, spend the night and leave Steven there for the next day (we haven't let him spend the night off yet) and she would meet me halfway after work. Well most of it worked, but the parts that didn't really didn't work.

My brother played an awesome game and while he ususally is a goalie, they put him in the field and he was awesome. It totally changed the dynamic of the game and they ended up winning 5-0. My brother is one of the most gentle compassionate guys, but the other team decided that he would be who they were aggressive towards. He even got head butted in the chest after he had passed the ball; the referree said he didn't want to give the guy a card because it was less than five minutes left in the game or something like that. It only left Gabe icing his chest that night due to the soreness. It was a great game and I'm glad that I was there to watch it.

That evening my left eye starting bothering me, but I chalked it up to allergies. The next morning it was extremely red and hurting and since I didn't have glasses with me I just took that contact out and drove up to work with one eye. It watered almost constantly on my way up to the office and I looked pretty rough when I got there. Chad dropped my glasses off so then I could see because by this point I was nauseous and had a headache. Chad thought it might just be pink eye, so I made an appointment with the PCP and thought it would be a quick trip. I left work after two hours and forwarded the phones to my cell phone. I waited in the doctor's office for another two hours to see the doctor. He looked at my eye and did some tests. He decided I had to see an opthamologist that day to rule out anything severe as it wasn't pink eye. They couldn't get me in to see an opthamologist, so I just went to my optometrist's office and they said they could see me. I waited another two hours before I could see him. My eye was barely able to open, was answering the phones for the office and trying to coordinate how I would get Steven from West Point that evening as it was now looking it would be. After finally seeing the doctor and he diagnosing it as a bacterial infection from wearing my contacts too long (i.e. this could all have been prevented), it was 5:00 and I was off to fill a prescription and meet my mom to get Steven. Or so I thought. He had just gone down for a nap and when he got up would need dinner. So, the earliest I could meet them would be 7:00. If we did that I would get home and need to put him to bed, which means he would probably have a misreable car ride with me because he would be needing some mommy time. Oh, and I still hadn't had anything to eat since 7:30 that morning.



So, I decided I would drive all the way back to my parents, play with Steven until he was ready for bed and then put him to bed in the car and drive home. So this would be 5 hours in the doctor's office, 4 hours in the car, with my eye still hurting and tired and I really just wanted to go to bed. (Chad was working late on a case, so he wasn't available to help and we would get home around 10:00.

On the way back home with Steven, I stopped to get gas and the pump wouldn't work. I was at the point that I was so frustrated I just left and hoped that I could make it home. And I did, but not without the gas light flickering for the last half hour. I'm just glad the week is over and we're back to "normal" childcare this week.

He had big kid breath

He's been obsessed with wanting to use my tooth, so he got his own.....

And tonight when playing airplane he smelled of tooty fruity like a big kid

"No Chubbies"

So I was watching Dr. Phil again this afternoon and it was on the "Ultimate Fat Debate." Dr. Phil chose some real characters, of course, but Erica Mitchell equated one of the panelists, MeMe Roth,  with a member of the KKK because she thinks obese people should have to buy an extra airplane seat.

Then there was Michael Karolchyk is the founder of the Anti-Gym and said his slogan"No Chubbies" is a person who is lazy, makes excuses and doesn't accept accountability. He said people who can't handle his program, you can't handle the truth.  People who can't handle his program are called heretics within Anti-Gym.  "I don't want fat people to invade my space." He was quite obnoxious and rude! 

I was pleasantly surprise with where Kelly Osbourne has seemed to come in her life.  She really seems to have it together.

I think that it is undeniable that our country is becoming more and more obese and I wonder why sometimes.  I feel busy with just one child and he isn't involved in many activities, so we have dinner most nights at home. It takes a lot of time and thought and intention to make sure that we have a healthy meal on the table.  It's really a battle to fight instead of something so easy to do.  So on Sunday I joined Weight Watchers Online to help me lose the lingering weight since having Steven over a year ago. It is challenging for me to not just eat when I'm bored or not being "busy". The biggest example of this is my junior year of high school I gained 25 pounds in 2 1/2 weeks while being a nanny in Mexico. We travelled all over and would eat at churches and we all know that means good food. According to Weight Watchers I'm at the top of my health weight range for my height, which I can actually say I can agree with, but I'd really like to lose that last bit of weight.  Maybe if I start being disciplined in this area now, I won't have to worry about waking up one morning and finding myself morbidly obese.

My Husband

I recently read someone's status on FB say they are disgusted when they hear people say their husband is the greatest, so if you read this blog you might want to stop reading this post now. Today I have been reminded how wonderful my husband is.

Chad rocks my socks off. He's not perfect but he's wonderful, amazing, and quite the stud.  He recently had an accident while training. 

 

Even with this contusion on his head (no concussion) after leaving the doctor he went and picked up Steven so I could go straight home and start fixing dinner.

Since the moment Steven was born, he's been interested in Steven and taking care of him. It was such a natural transition for him to fatherhood.

Every morning we tag team getting Steven ready and ourselves ready so that neither one of us feels overwhelmed.  He takes Steven to childcare most mornings to make my life easier.

 

He kept Steven every Monday since we were back at work so that Steven has daddy time until recently his off days changed. 

 

 

He's a great father. Tonight he came home for just a few minutes so that he could see Steven before bed and oh, the joy on that little boys face and the giggles that followed to have some time with his daddy. 

 

 

Chad helps out around the house or maybe I should say I help him because he does all the laundry and the kitchen most of the time.  He's my shoulder to lean on and gives so much for our family

 

 

but also to make the world a safer place;

 

 

 I love him and he's the greatest.