Chad says I'm different from most people because I look to do what is best for the situation and not necessarily what is best for me. I don't really think about it, but I would say that I don't think about me very much at least not time for me, things for me, etc. But I have been thinking about how some decisions that I've made knowing that it was best for the situation have hurt. They've caused me hurt to struggle through doing what is right. I know it's all for the best, but in my conversation with Chad tonight I thought maybe I am being selfish in making decisions that hurt me. I know that I will be better, but do I drag Steven and Chad through my hurt or through my process of healing in order to be a better person myself. Am I selfish to put them through another thing to try and make things better for me? I have no idea. Because I really never know how things are going to affect me, but things affect me way more than they probably should. In making these decisions I usually focus more in my head than in my heart, but I live more from my heart.
I tend to stuff my emotions, try to do the right thing and then lose it at the "worst" times. I don't realize I'm doing it when I do it. I'm working on just allowing myself to feel whatever it is I'm feeling and not change it. The actions of doing tend to make me not have time to feel, but then I'll stop. I'll start to feel and then I'm hurting. It's at those times I don't feel like I'm a good mother or wife. So in the name of having a clear conscience, I hurt those around me as well. Well, at least I feel as though I do.
Maybe my next project of becoming a better person should be to make decisions that are really going to be good for those in my immediate family and forget the others. That sounds so heartless. I don't think I can do it, but then again I don't think I can't. Maybe my conscience is what needs the work....does a clear conscience actually hurt?
